DISCONNECTING

Perhaps the best metaphor for leaving home is the Steve Martin character in “The Jerk.” Martin, simply walks to the front door of his house and announces, “I don’t need you, I don’t need anything, I’m out of here.” And then he hesitates remembering that he needs his chair, and then his lamp, and then his dog…and so on until he is completely loaded down with all the “things” that are essential to keeping him sane. I discovered the modern version of that phenomenon as I prepared for my Israeli trip.

Actually, there are two parts to the problem: disconnecting and reconnecting. Disconnecting involves identifying all those conveniences that attach one to the real world and calling the company that handle the billing and telling them that you don’t want to be connected any more. The process is not easy since there are forces that want you to be permanently hooked up and they are genuinely offended and even hurt when you attempt to cancel their services. Curiously, the easiest cancellation is returning your cable box, which is a real physical object you take back to a store and you get a receipt that says “cancel” on it. On the other hand, the virtual devices like your internet connection are more difficult. You have to use the internet to find the person to cancel the internet and of course you can’t cancel immediately (how would you receive your confirmation email) so you set a future cut off date (which you can’t monitor because you don’t have internet access.) To make matters worse if you have a triple plan of cable/phone/internet, each has a separate termination contact, date and procedure. Finally, at each termination point, you are asked why you are terminating, are you unhappy with the service, is there anything that can be done to avoid termination. It is at this point that one discovers that it is possible to negotiate a lower rate on cost of the services that have been inching up over the years. Who knew?

Before discussing reconnecting, something needs to be said about the interim period. There was one brief moment of a crisis of faith when I sat in front of my TV at 11pm and realized I didn’t have cable to watch Jon Stewart, I couldn’t get on the web to know if Obama had won his 3 on 3 basketball game and there was no email/cell phone access. I was reminded of a comment my Dad made to me when I first went to Europe (before all the electronic devices) he said, “If Mom and I die, how will we contact you?” It was a serious question and one that gave him much distress.

But just at the moment the “void” is about to become intolerable the forces of reconnection kick in. I started seeing signs that said “Free WIFI” and discovered that my new laptop would actually look for other people’s wireless signal. I became part of the transient, networkless group of people who hang out at the public library watching the on-line versions of last week’s episodes of the Office. As I stood in line at an internet café waiting for an available table, I felt like those people I see in Oakland waiting in line for their government surplus cheese. Its hard not having a real internet connection to call your own.

Finally this long nightmare is about to end. I have a new Israeli chip in my cell phone which will be activated as soon as I arrive in Israel as well as a new webcam for my Skype account. The apartment I am renting not only has internet but cable news which I was told is FOX (ugh!) and Netflix will deliver a movie download directly to my laptop. What a country! If I had wanted to spend the money, I could have bought one of those GPS locaters marketed to concerned parents and pet owners (and ex-felons) so my friends and family could follow my movements, but that seemed a little much. Suffice it to say that there will be a brief 24 hour period on the plane when I will have absolutely no electronic footprint. What a concept! Fortunately I have scheduled this moment to occur before the NBA finals, just after the Guam primary and during the SNL rerun cycle. My only fear is that the “end of western civilization as we know it” (an event I have long predicted and waited for) occurs at the exact moment that my network connection is down and I cannot get a cell phone signal. Or as my Dad might have said, “what if the messiah comes down from heaven and we can’t contact you.” But then again, I’m in Israel, I’ll probably meet him/her/it before anyone.